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Operation Alien Defense Initiated
WASHINGTON - After a week of closed-door meetings, Secretary of State Colin Powell held a press conference to discuss dealings with the government of Rigel IV.
"Although we assured the Rigellian government of the peaceful intent of our military", said Powell, "we are being ordered to disarm immediately or face invasion".
The Rigellians had contacted George H.W. Bush twelve years ago calling for complete U.S. disarmament. This demand came about due to allegations of American possesion of weapons of galactic destruction. Although the U.S. government emphatically denied having any weapons capable of attacking beyond our own atmosphere, the Rigellians insist we not only have those weapons, but have been supplying them to their enemies on Rigel II.
Before mass-vaporization, the president's cabinet expressed outrage with the thought of one government forcing another to comply with their wishes. According to sources on Rigel IV, the United Galactic Nations have been pressing the Rigellian government to strive for a diplomatic resolution but with little success.
At an interview earlier this week, Rigellian Ambassador Yrttdfuuwyr, Jr. stated that there is no hidden agenda in their dealings with the U.S. and American leaders must comply. "Afterwards a puppet government will be put in place so the Rigellian way of life can be implemented here on Earth", said the seven foot tall cephalopod. "That, and the creation of human cattle ranches, of course."
President George W. Bush issued a statement earlier this week vowing "... as a country, we is not going to lie down at the feet in the face of tyranny". The president's comments are being translated by Rigellian officials to search for any form of threat or meaning. The U.S. press force is lending a hand in the effort to hopefully promote peace and find something meaningful they can put in print.
In Hollywood, the Screen Actors Guild has shown most members to be vehemently opposed to the war. The most vocal of these screen-idol-turned-activists, actress Kim Bassinger, has recanted and supported the Rigellians after a successful mind leeching aboard the alien mothership. Also in favor of invasion is director Steven Spielburg who has claimed first dibs on movie rights.
With a disarmament deadline approaching swifty, the U.S. has less than 72 hours to comply or face the intergalactic forces massing across the borders in both Canada and Mexico.
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| ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phil Istines has been covering the national news beat for over 2 years. With a sharp eye and hair to match, Phil's talents set the trend in journalism. |
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