Einhorn Cuts Throat For Fun And Profit PARIS - In a last bid to escape extradition to the United States, former hippie turned murderer Ira Einhorn, 61, decided that a better fate awaited him with a knife than in an American courtroom. After having slashed his own throat, and then giving a live television interview, Einhorn was taken to a hospital where he is resting comfortably and is fed by his wife who cuts his meat for him. Full Story » US to Separate from World WASHINGTON, DC - As an adjunct to the administration's new missile defense plan, technicians have been ordered to come up with a way to jettison the rest of the Earth, leaving the United States alone like we've always wanted. This move follows a string of American reactions to events of international cooperation, such as the rejection of the Kyoto environmental accords, the effective scrapping of the ABM treaty, and the snubbing of the World Conference Against Racism, Racial Discrimination, Xenophobia and Related Intolerance Full Story » Special Ops Already In Place KABUL - The US treasury has released news that in addition to freezing terrorist assets, their new special ops forces, code name "Sticky Fingers", are working under extra special deep cover in Afganistan. This elite group of professionals use their skills to pick the pockets of suspected terrorists, gaining valuable information as well providing for their travel expenses. Full Story »

Kim Jung Il Goes On A Ride MOSCOW - After a befuddled 20-day odyssey across the Eurasian land mass, North Korea's doddering 114 year old leader Kim Jung Il arrived Friday in Moscow for two days of polite humoring with Russian President and Mafioso Vladimir Putin. Full Story » Al-Qaeda Screws Self, Afghanistan KABUL - In the biggest act of self-fornication since the days of flagpole sitting, a worldwide society of Islamic fundamentalists (in that their concept of Islam is fundamentally twisted) called "Al Qaeda" (Arabic for "Are we incredibly stupid or what?") has written, signed, and punctuated their own death warrant. Full Story » Carter Makes Historic Cuban Visit HAVANA - Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter landed in Cuba on Saturday and became the first American President since Calvin Coolidge to visit the island nation. Upon arriving at Jose Marti International Airport, Carter and his wife Rosalynn were greeted by Cuban President Fidel Castro, who quickly whisked the couple away to a hotel in Old Havana, keeping the Cuban dissidents from their site. Full Story »

Putin Questions Need For NATO MOSCOW - During a Wednesday news conference Russian president Vladimir Putin expressed his opinions on the need for NATO. "I do not consider NATO to be a hostile organization but changes are needed," said Putin. "It is not a tragedy for us that it exists, but there is no need for it, especially if we want to get away with things secretly." Full Story » Conspiracy at 11 As it turns out, numerology has all the answers to the tragedy of September 11, 2001. If you don't believe this, then your mind must have been selectively erased by the Orbital Mind Control Lasers. Perhaps the following facts and figures can help you retrieve residual memory impressions. Full Story »