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Copyright 2003      

    Issue 2, Volume 7  -   May, 2003   |   The Most Widely Read News Publication On This Website    |    Lives ruined by reading from this site:  8740

News Archives

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Business


Sports


Weather


Entertainment


Sci-Tech


Health


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Editorial


Horoscopes

At A Glance


Four original Beatles to reunite


Prince Charles replaced with robot but British public fails to notice


Ted Danson joins former NBC cast members for Cheers reunion (file photo)

 

IN BRIEF

Fox To Air Celebrity Boxing III
HOLLYWOOD - The Fox Network has announced its plans for a third installment in their Celebrity Boxing specials, due to be seen early this fall.
    Recent bouts have included Tonya Harding vs. Paula Jones and Ron "Horshack" Palillo vs. Dustin "Screech" Diamond. Fox is "bringing in the big guns" for this newest episode and they hope to rake in the ratings during the sweeps week.
    On the first card will be Golden Girl Bea Arthur vs. John Goodman. This match is sure to go the full count as both fighters are in top masculine shape. The second card is the battle of the network babes as CNN's Connie Chung takes on Today's Katie Couric.
    For the final card, Fox has lined up a typical Fox viewer, Shaun Gruelich, to battle Sandy Grushow, programming director for Fox Network. Analysts predict this to go no more than two rounds. Vegas oddsmakers agree with the analysts, giving the victory to Gruelich due to Grushow's recent losses such as That 80's Show and Grounded For Life.


Alien Invasion Thwarted By Farmhand
MACKAY, ID - With little effort or knowledge, Arlo Farks of Darlington, Idaho seems to have saved the entire human race as well as the planet itself. Farks, who works part-time as a seed inspector on Bill Jensen's produce farm in nearby Mackay, was working late when ships from an unknown planet decended on the rural area.
    Thinking it to be either friendly contact or some new movie being filmed, Farks offered the aliens (or actors since he wasn't sure which) some fresh strawberries from the previous week's harvest. Luckily for mankind, the aliens seem to be allergic to the summer fruit and most swelled up and died within minutes of consumption.
    The government was called in to examine both the alien remains and ships, but were uninterested since what they have at Area 51 is much more advanced. Farks received a $3.00 per year raise due to his earth saving efforts.




HEADLINE NEWS


INTERNATIONAL - U.S. Apologizes To North Korea
WASHINGTON - Secretary of State Colin Powell issued a public apology to North Korea (DPRK) today on behalf of the United States. The statement, aimed at easing...

NATIONAL - Operation Alien Defense Initiated
WASHINGTON - After a week of closed-door meetings, Secretary of State Colin Powell held a press conference to discuss dealings with the government of Rigel IV....

BUSINESS - Greenspan To Boost Ailing Economy
WASHINGTON - Although a war traditionally pulls a nation's economy from a slump, most financial analysts agree that Operation Iraqi Freedom, although very cool,...

SPORTS - Turkish Delights
SOMEWHERE NEAR ANKARA, TURKEY - Hey sports fans! Rich Frosting checking in from the friendly confines of a Turkish prison. I don't know what the fuss is all a...

WEATHER - Extended Hurricane Season Predicted
WASHINGTON D.C. - This week the National Weather Service has issued its standard hurricane warnings for both the southeast portions of the U.S and suburbs of Ch...

ENTERTAINMENT - Caterers Strike Cripples Movie Biz
HOLLYWOOD - It's said that an army travels on its stomach. The recent caterer's strike has proved this is also true in the American movie industry. The product...

SCI-TECH - Nebula - Message Of Friendship?
TUSCON, AZ - In an announcement earlier this week, astronomers at Kitt Peak National Observatory stated that they may have the first hint of earthly contact wit...

HEALTH - New Tobacco Marketing
RALEIGH, NC - After years of bad press, the tobacco industry has launched a product to the consumer market aimed at a new demographic. Putting financial issues ...

LIFESTYLE - Downy Ball Blast Kills Two
DUBUQUE, IA - Tragedy struck last night when Erma Hendricks and her sister Nancy Galloway were killed during a freak laundry accident when her malfunctioning Do...

EDITORIAL - Insert Name Here
Hoff here. This issue I wanted to express some opinions of something that's becoming more and more of a nuisance these days - telemarketers. The other night, M...


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Notable Quote

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.

- Max Frisch

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